What If I Had..."
Reflecting on our past is necessary but dangerous territory. At its best it can point to those elements that make up our true self and at its worse it can push us in an escalating spiral downward. The "What if I had...?" A villain and thief in the worst way. You could also attach the "I should have..." and "Why didn't I?" These phrases paralyze us in our past and promote fear for our future. These are difficult adversaries. They bring along with them a never-ending lament and a self-wallowing despair. This kind of reflection is hell-bent on devouring you. And it will. Recognizing this, many of us, in an act of self preservation, will avoid reflecting on the past and work at convincing ourselves that "tomorrow will be better" and that "life is what you make it". Yet this is the false self uttering its clever voice once again. Do not trade your past reflection for some future, propped up on serendipitous thinking. Instead, shift your question. "God, where are you...?" This shift takes the pressure off of us to solve and gives God the space to surface. It allows us to find grace in our inconsistent past and provides us with the generosity needed to be benevolent to our imperfect selves. We shift from focusing on operation to God's occupation and become introduced to the God who lives in past, present and future. Yet this question is not without its difficulty. What if in uttering this question you hear nothing? What if God's silence is the only thing that occupies past experience? What if... Let go of the "What if..." Ask God to show you where he is and where he has been at work. The voice may be small at first but as you learn its distinct sound trust and follow; the voice will grow. When life cloaks you with enough darkness to shroud the face of God keep asking, "Where Lord, are you?" This is a grown-up question. A question of maturity and faith. It requires the audacity to demand that God reveal himself and the tenacity to pester until he does. As you journey through this day, in reflection of the past and in anticipation for the future, call to God and may you be open to hear him utter, "I am here".
